Wanted: My Personal Eschatalogical Laundry List

I have been divorced now for three years. Some of my friends have been encouraging me to date. I am not so sure about that. Yes, I get lonely some times. It would be very nice to have somebody to come home to, to do things with. But I'm just not ready. And I'm not sure I ever will be.

Lately I've been thinking about why that is. Here is what I've come up with:

First of all, I have extremely high standards set for myself. My standards are so high that I frequently let myself down. If I can't even live up to my own standards, how can any one else? I try not to think of myself as judgmental, but I do judge myself quite strictly. This makes life with me unbearable at times. I like things clean. I like order. I hate surprises.

Secondly, I'm smart. I mean, I'm scary smart. I read at least one book a week on average, usually non-fiction. In particular I've been fascinated with aspects of teleology and consciousness. I read philosophy and theology books for fun. Although, I never thought of myself as very intelligent until recently, when I actually did start conversations with potential suitors. For so many years I tended to defer my own opinions for fear that I might be denigrated. Not only that, but I hid my intelligence from others. I felt like I could make a lot more friends playing "dumb." This was rather easy for me to do, since I am a bit scattered sometimes, and live conversations with people make me flustered. I don't feel safe when I'm talking directly to someone. I feel much safer hiding behind a keyboard. But I can't very well have complete conversations through writing, can I? Then again, when I do get into a conversation with someone, they get a little uneasy when I begin giving my honest opinions. I see things so much differently than most people. For me, everything is a part of a greater system. I see the "whole" of things. I deal with plenum, not qualia. I see how things should go much easier than I can how things are. Kind of hard to carry on a conversation with someone in past tense.

Furthermore, I have a quirky belief system that doesn't exactly fit with the status quo. I am a secular Buddhist with just a little sprinkle of Jesus. I do not define myself as a Christian, although I do believe that Christ's teachings set a perfect example for people to follow. I just believe that Jesus' divinity is irrelevant. Divinity in general is irrelevant. Like Jesus, Buddha set down a perfect example of how we should see this plane of existence and live accordingly. There is very little difference between the eight-fold path and the teachings of Jesus. Unfortunately, most Christians don't tend to follow those teachings. Hence, I gave up on Christianity long ago. For me, that is very sad. It seems to me that if Christians actually followed the teachings of Jesus, this would be a beautifully different world. Both Jesus and Buddha taught to have an acceptance of what is. Accepting what is--not expecting what could or should be--that is what gives a person serenity.

Ah, funny that I just said that, since this whole blog is bemoaning the fact that I don't have a "soul-mate!"

Okay, so you got me there.

Here's my solution. My personal want-ad:

Male, age 50+, preferably 60. Must be well educated, preferably a Master's degree or better. Must be well read. I would really like someone who has a career in the sciences, like physics or biology. Must love his work. He loves his work so much that he leaves me free to do pretty much as I please, because I love my work, too. We will have to make arrangements to spend time together. That would be fine with me.

He must be comfortable in his own skin. He is confident, without being arrogant. He is open to new ideas and loves sharing ideas. He is inventive and creative. He sees obstacles as opportunities. He is not threatened by alternative views, but rather enjoys exploring issues and researching before arriving at any judgments or conclusions.

He is grounded. He might be a little flaky or curmudgeonly at times, but knows what he is doing and why. He is just skeptic enough never to get swept up in any trend.

It would be awfully nice if he spoke with a British accent, but I realize that might be too much to ask, especially adding in there some knowledge about Deafness or American Sign Language. The understanding about Deafness is vital for me. But that British accent is just so darn sexy.

So now, after I've written this, I can see why I am alone. Ah, well. Tonight I will dream of Mr. Professor, with his silver hair and clipped Cambridge accent, drinking his tea and imagining a woman---like me.