Just How Does One Grow A Pair?

Have you ever had the feeling like you don't count? It's as if everyone has a special agenda, but you're not on the list.

Maybe you don't ever feel that way, but that's my usual modus operandi. Part of the reason is because I am not very assertive, nor am I very loud. My voice is quiet and I am a rather small person. Sometimes I think I could be the only person in a crowd to yell "Fire" and never get caught.

When someone else is talking, I tend to defer and simply listen. Consequently, I am considered a very good listener. What people often don't know is that sometimes I'm not really listening anymore. I'm either thinking "but, but, but..." or "Geez, when are they going to stop!" But my eyes make contact. I look engaged. I respond accordingly. Sometimes I feel like Homer Simpson listening to Mrs. Crobapple: "blah blah blah blah blah..." I really do have attention deficit issues. It's not that I don't care about what people say. I really do care. I really do listen when people speak. I want to know what's happening. If I can help, I want to do that. It's just that I allow dominant people to take over a conversation, and so then my mind just starts to wander. Conversations really require a give-and-take to be successful conversations.

My passivity has always gotten the best of me. I have deferred to people when they were unscrupulous to me. Even when I knew they were outright wrong or cruel, I just let them say whatever they wanted to say. This is one aspect to my personality that I really want to work on. If someone says something out of line, I need to be able to assert myself. I should call their attention to it.

I'm just a little tired of being seen as a kitchen mop. But as long as I don't speak up for myself, I'll keep getting sopping wet.